Mike Spoli

Self-Realization?

2004-09-02T06:04:14Z

I don't know what love is...But I really sure hope this is it...

I Love You...I don't think you'd ever realize it...

And it's not in that swimfan kind of way...

Despite what has happened, I always felt like you were the one I could always turn to because you knew me so well. We grew together for awhile, and we got close. It's hard to get that close and just tear it apart... I miss it, i admit, but I don't mind anything anymore. I'm here to live my life and fulfill my purpose, and you are only one more fantastic reason to stay here to complete my journey. I only wish you shall forever join me and we can go off as one, together, into the sunset.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it feels good to update quickly with how I feel....

Peace out guys,
Until Next Month :P

"Mikie" the best way someone could ever say my name...Only my 2 of my 3 favoritst people in the entire world call me that....The other one and I are joined at the hip :P

<3 to all

May you have prosperity and happiness with whatever life you live...

Fucking updates, fucking pain....God damn Conformists....

2004-06-01T05:08:50Z

This live journal of mine has brought so much hope to me. It has given me a place to come and let any and everything out to random people who could care less about this pathetic life I call my own. Just as I thought things were progressively getting better, shit just turns around on me, and once again, I get fucked over. I spent my entire day doing homework, smoking a blunt with my best bud and his cousin, and hanging out with two girls who just fill me with this unexplainable spirit. I don't think there was a minute where I didn't weara smile around Stephanie and Alanna. Thanks!

My life has been going good. I recently got over my past and embarked on a journey for a better today and a even better tomorrow. It was easy for me to find someone whom not only I can relate to, but who also has what seemed to be the greatest personality ever. Maybe I was hoping for a future because I'm desperatly trying to rekindle those feelings that I once had in my heart... Maybe I'm searching to deep...Or not deep enough. I feel like if I stopped searching for it today, It would find me on a better day... I just don't know what to think with girls anymore. I can't seem to get a good read on them, and when I think i've figured them out, something bad happens.

I certainly don't believe in the Mr. or Mrs. Right, but there has to be somebody out there for me....Where is she...Shit maybe I was meant to be gay, and all I have to look forward to is a male life-partner....Shit at least we can get married in Massachusettes....

I don't know what to say. Fuck the Real World, and Fuck everyone who tries to Fuck me over... I don't stand for liars, cheaters, or scumbags. If you're one of them...Bring it on.

If you are reading this... As my good friends of Dashboard Confessional would say...

"Please send me anything but signals that are mixed"

Talk about a breath of fresh air

2004-04-19T03:38:07Z

This is the first time I've updated in awhile. It seems that all of these people are now turning to Live Journal for seclusion from an actual social life. This weekened was great. Friday I got fucked up at Johnny's and had a great time. Saturday I worked for my first night at Big Anthony and Guido's as a bus boy and it wasn't that bad. A lot of work at closing but I can manage. After that Lauren came to visit me and we went to Mcdonalds and then to Johnny's. McDonalds fucked up my order completely and I was so fucking pissed. That's why I don't eat that shit food. I feel fat now. I got fucked up again at Johnny's and came home. I passed out on my bed. Today I went to Key Biscayne and just had a wonderful time. I was with my parents and their friends and we ate brunch at the Rusty Pelican. We continued to explore around Key Biscayne and saw a few properties my parents were interested in for investment purposes. After that we went to visit my Grandparents. They asked me if I wanted to go visit and I had to say yes because I haven't seen my grandpa in along time. He's been to the hospital again after the heart problems and they tell me he's going through depression because he can't see his family as often as he'd like. I figured why not put a smile on his face for a change. It was great to see him, although his condition isn't exactly what I remember. He's at a point where he can no longer walk and he just doesn't want to suffer anymore, and I completely understand him. He has full function of his brain but he can not control his body. I wonder what life would be like without him. Wouldn't his absense be the best thing right now because of the suffering he endures?

Well now I'm home. I have a math test I have to go s tudy for and I just did some work for international relations. I haven't talked to yael yet, but she was in NY all weekend. I'm sure she had fun. Things are going good, I'm happy for now. I guess I'm slowly learning what I need to live with a smile. Take it easy for now everyone.

Spoli

Is is over, or am I just pretending?

2004-02-03T02:07:17Z

Yael and I have been eh for quite some time. I've gotten mad over stupid reasons and she has continued to play with my feelings, as well as my heart. Everytime I try to end shti with her she just sucks me back in like a heroin addiction. I can't stand being fucked with like this anymore. I'm sick of being the center of her games. She "Unknowingly" plays with my emotions. Ex. One day we'll cuddle and just act like we're fucking a perfect cute couple, the next day she'll act like her and I are only friends. Whether it's her fear of commitment, or her fear of being seen with me in public, it's just something I am no longer going to put up with. I can't be that little toy she plays with because, this false hope hurts more then anyone would imagine.

I can't stand her, although I love her...or so I think. I have always wanted to be something with her, and this "Best Friends" title isn't working. Best Friends my ass....BEST FRIENDS ACTUALLY HANG OUT. BEST FRIENDS ARE ME AND BLUM, YOU AND I ARE FAR FROM BEST FRIENDS...You just needed to classify it as something else so you wouldn't hurt me or someshit, and guess what, It hurts....You say it and try to justify it, but you can't justify it. We hang out once or twice a month...Maybe more if I'm lucky, but that doesn't classify me as you're best friend. I used to be your best friend, when you actually loved me in a way more then words can explain, but what happened to that love...I know it didn't just go away, someone implanted these thoughts of how relationships are bad and you just stoped giving a shit about me altogether...Sure you are there for me, but you're never there with me....I don't want my best friend to be there for me....I want my best friend to be there with me when shit hits the fan...You are not that at all...

You have talked about "We" and "Us" in the future, and how "We" are going to open up "Our" own psycology practice, but it seems to me that you are all talk. In order for there to be a future...There needs to be something in the present. Now I'm not asking for full blown will you marry me, promise ring at 17 kind of shit, but this Friendship or lack there of isn't cutting it for me.

You are no longer going to try to change shit so it's like I'm the bad guy Yael, I am sick of being your scapegoat...I'm sick of caring so much and getting shit in return. I am sick of loving you without my love necessities being fulfilled. When I give and give and give, you suck out the life and I have no strength to continue and you feel super because I make you feel that way. I give and give and you don't give back...

You read so much, read a few books. The Celestine Prophecy...The Tenth Insight...

It's not that I'm smart because I've gotten the life sucked out of me for so long, but I am smart to the extent that right now I am in control of my life. Either you shape up, or you lose someone who supposedly means something to you. I've said this plenty of times before, and I never really kept my word, but you better believe that I am finally fed up with your shit and I will not take anymore of it.

Read this convo and you'll learn who I am

2003-12-04T04:43:14Z

IAmSpoli: So w/e
Qtie pye42: do you talk to her online and shit
IAmSpoli: yea
IAmSpoli: i yelled at her
IAmSpoli: so i refuse to talk to her
Qtie pye42: why
IAmSpoli: for awhile
IAmSpoli: ecause im like come over and shes like do ur eally want me to
IAmSpoli: and im wtf...fine dont come over
IAmSpoli: like her voice sounded like annoyed she had to come cuz she felt obligated
Qtie pye42: was this on the phone
IAmSpoli: yea
Qtie pye42: oh you talk to her on the phone to wow your steppin up
Qtie pye42: aww dont be mad
IAmSpoli: lol i'm friends
Qtie pye42: no id be mad too lol
IAmSpoli: I just don't really know what I want out of life
IAmSpoli: It's depressing. I want to meet the perfect woman and fall madly in love.
Qtie pye42: ok your only 16
Qtie pye42: no 17
IAmSpoli: I feel like I need to grow up now, and I can't wait, but I don't know why. I just feel like I'm 25 trapped in a 16 yr old body. I hate this feeling, and I never feel content with what I have unless I'm smoking and stoned, and It's so sad where my life has come. It makes me fucking piss and cry because I really hate my life. I want to be able to do shit I want to like strip clubs, drinking legally. I just don't want to be myself, I want to be someone new
Qtie pye42: no i love you the way you are your so real and genuin and i love that i know i can always talk to you hey i tell you things i dont tell anyone else and i think toms of other people see you the same way i mean your spoli itsok to smoke and its ok to drink and there is that special someone out there for you cause theres on for everyone just be patient enjoy these years
Qtie pye42: tons*
IAmSpoli: How can enjoy something when I feel I don't belong
Qtie pye42: how doyou feel like you dont belong
IAmSpoli: I'm just so much more mature then everyone unless I'm drunk or high...or ADHD Active during school....
IAmSpoli: Not to sound cocky because I guess it's not a good thing right now
Qtie pye42: no its not cocky
Qtie pye42: i think im more mature than a lot alot of people but sometimes its not obvious
IAmSpoli: lol thats true
Qtie pye42: i cant handle people sometimes cause theres sooo immature, but get over it life goes on
IAmSpoli: My main thing is that I want to have a family. I want to grow up to get married and begin my family with the woman i married who hopefully is the first and only marraige
Qtie pye42: well thats not goin to happen at 16
IAmSpoli: I know, but I want that.
Qtie pye42: youll get it
IAmSpoli: I want to fall in love and never fall out, because with me it's been like I fall and just get hurt and I don't wnat to be hurt anymore. I've cried myself to sleep one to many times and theres not to many people who'll admit that.
Qtie pye42: ive doen it and that why its hard for me to open up
IAmSpoli: I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly thought that I may want to go see a psycologist
Qtie pye42: really why
Qtie pye42: hold on im goin to call you cause i have to get ofline
Qtie pye42: cell or house
IAmSpoli: I just feel like I need to be saved and thats my best hope
IAmSpoli: house
Qtie pye42: kk bye

I guess I need random people to read this to feel better about myself

2003-11-01T05:27:54Z

It's been a long time since I updated this thing. Maybe a long time is an understatement but the world will never know because time doesn't exist....Yea, I'll get into that another time.

Recently my life has taken a turn and I am yet able to decide whether that is a positive thing or just another wrong way down the road before I have to go back and correct my mistakes.

I used to have this best friend who I adored unconditionally, and things between us used to be great. I loved this girl to death and I would have done anything for her. I remember there are things I've done for her that I would refuse to do for anyone else. I can't really tell you what happened, because I want to keep the story discrete, so all I am going to say is that we are no longer best friends. It's been hard knowing that she was once a big part of my life and now....She's nothing more then a piece of lint on my unworn, freshly washed shirt. Things between us just went sour, and instead of valuing the supposed friendship we had, she decided that there were other things out there better then me, and one day she'll hopefully realize the type of friend I was and maybe attempt to correct what has gone wrong, but I rather wait for her to mature into someone who knows what she wants instead of continue to try to change her into someone she will eventually become. It wasn't time wasted, but some of the best times of my life with her, and I can only hope that she lives a prosperous enjoyable life.

It was ended on bad terms to a certain extent, but I said what had to be said, and she heard what I said... Now she's just going to move on as if nothing happened.

On another note, for the past EVER, I have been infatuated with my ex-girlfriend, Yael. She came to my school, and we became the best of friends, or so she considers me that. My attraction for her continued to escalade into unexplainable feelings which I tried my hardest to tell her, but I guess they were unanswered calls. Every once in awhile, her and I would hang out which was nice, and we talked and saw each other very often. I loved this girl with my entire heart, and things finally came to an end for what seems to be the last time.

She broke things off with me because she wasn't ready for a relationship of any kind and she just doesn't have what it takes to be dedicated to someone yet because she just wants to go out and have fun, and I can respect that, but the weird thing is, it's not what I want. I love to feel needed, and I love knowing that I someone is there for me at all times...It's just the way I feel. So, she said she just didn't want a relationship and what not, and I continued to give myself a hope that would not pay off in the end. I thought things were progressing and maybe she has been thinking, but the truth is that she has been so busy with her ONLY REAL best friend Maya, that she has had no time to think about me or anyone else for that matter.

I hate to say it, but when the wakeup call comes, she's going to realize something. Maya won't always be there for her, or maybe she will, who knows, but what I do know is that I have been here for her for 4+ Years and no matter what I will continue to be here for her even if we get into a terrible argument. If something were to happen between her and Maya that would sever the relationship, I would be here even if I hated her, because I'm not the kind of person who leaves someone behind in any case.

When she dropped me off the other day, I asked her where do we stand, and as always, she answered best friends, and I truthfully wanted something more then that from her because of my endless love for her. I love her in a completely different way then I love my old best friend, but when she said no to my face, I realized it's time to move on and get past it. It's the end to a chapter in my life that has taken me forever to write. It's hard to just forget, and even harder to move on and at the same time remain close, but I can't bare to lose such an amazing person in my life. I would much rather endure pain every single time I look at her, then completely block her out of my life.

There are things that as a best friend, I hate she does, and I will never change that, but at the same time I will NEVER control her. As much as I care for her, it is her decision to do the things she does, and if she chooses to get drunk and have sex, it's her decision and although it would kill me inside, I wouldn't criticize. I've been smoking for the past 1+ Year of my life, and I've been drinking for awhile. I'm not a pot head nor an alcoholic, but I know the pro's and con's of each, and I'd rather not people who mean something to me do either. Sure I'm a hypocrite because I do it occasionally and I don't want them to do it, but it's just that my friends are my life, and they mean more to me then I mean to myself.

Last night, I hung out with the guys, and did the usual guy stuff. Jeff came over to Kaminsky's with the girl he was into, and the girl’s friend. He stopped by for a few minutes and then decided he was going to go drop the ladies off at their respectable locations. We were going to get a ride from him, but he kind of hinted that he wanted to be alone. I told everyone to get out and Matt Hersh refused for some odd reason. I pulled him out of the car, not once but twice, and after the second time Jeff drove away. Matt was obviously pissed because he needed a ride home, but I could have gotten him one if that was the case. He was extremely mad at me for what I did, and he got in my face and what not. He punched me in my chest, but not that hard, and my immediate reaction was a right hook to the side of his head with a good amount of force.

I could have never imagined me hitting one of my good friends because of something so stupid, but I did, and I am unable to forgive myself for it. If you end up reading this matt, I want you to know how sorry I am. I consider you one of my best friends and out of everyone in the clique, you and I have the most in common, and I have nothing but complete respect for you.

I came home last night in shock, and I didn't know what to do, so I went to lie down in bed. I began to think about what has been going on in my life, and I actually began to tear. I haven't cried myself to sleep in the longest time.

:: I need a break, I am extremely dizzy...The room is spinning::

This has been the first live update in along time and I think I may just begin to this once in awhile. To those of you who actually read this entire thing, I have a little more respect for you for taking the time to read this.

It was a fun Halloween, I'll tell you about it later.

I'm still dizzy, so I'm going to go lie down.

Good night

People actually enjoy reading this...

2003-08-14T03:52:28Z

So I decided to update my Live Journal and tell you all about my summer.

Let's start off where I left off. I worked at the JCC all summer long, in Early Childhood. I made new friends and they are so cool. I probably won't talk to them as much because It't just how life plays with our minds. Summer is like a break from everyday life. It's a change in the daily routine...It was fun while it lasted, but school is WAY too soon. So I left you guys last probably talking about Yael...

Yael was the highlight of my summer. She was the cause of my downfall, but also the highlight of my summer...Weird and confusing but I think it all makes sense. So for the first time in forever it was actually over between us. I wasn't talking to her, and She just did the wrong thing to the wrong person. She lied to my face, and I think that's one of the worst things that a human being can do...Lie. So I didn't talk to her for awhile and I began to hook up with a friend by the name of Shayna. She was hot...Great body, and she was a great girl no doubt. But the only problem is that when I first begin to like a girl, I go on with that, but soon I start to compare them with Yael. I know she's not perfect, but when I'm with her, everything seems perfect. I missed having that feeling of completeness. So I compared Shayna to Yael, and I ended up not being with her. Then I began to have feelings for Dara, and then once again I did the comparing thing, and I just began to lose all my feelings because they could never give me the feelings that I had with Yael. We connect on a whole new level. Most people kiss and you'll know when it's special. Kissing other girls was nothing like kissing her. With other girls it wasn't really passion, it was fun and games, but with her it's like I explode with passion...with love.

My summer went pretty well. On the last day of camp, I began to hysterically cry. It's not because I wouldn't see the other counselors...We had a party the next day, but for 2 months those 15 kids were mine. There parents trusted them with me everyday, and for those 2 months, I was able to fully connect with them. They were so cute and I will miss them. I love kids, and I can not wait to become a father.

So, that's that...I don't want to bore you all with too much detail. I've been smoking alot recently. I'm cutting back when school starts. I like to get high, I enjoy it, and it makes me feel good and always smile. I don't really have anything else to say. Things are going good now. I told Yael that I still care for her and that I can't help but compare people to her and it's just not right not being with her. Hopefully shit goes down like it's supposed to. My birthday is soon AUGUST 19th. Katie is coming to dinner with my family !! I'm so excited. And the 20th I'm inviting people to Wings Plus for my birthday. Guys, I'm going to get Lifted. Stay safe, if you want to know more, IM me on AIM. Sorry to make shit short and sweet.

My new quote.

She may not be perfect, but everything just feels so perfect when I'm with her.

Dedication

Wow Long ass time :)

2003-06-20T01:35:25Z

Hello everyone, or maybe just those 2 people who read this thing :). I have had quite the enchanting life if I must say so. Let's start where we left off...Or skip a few weeks.

School ended as you already know and it's SO FUCKING GREAT to be out. I got 5A's and 2 B's on my report card. Which is my best since like 3rd grade. Sad thing is I'm dead serious. Funny but true. So I guess you can say I'm glad school is over and I'm glad I earned the grades I did. As for the other 90% of my life, I'll try to tell you what I can.

I got a bong with eddie. I split it with him because we're both poor as fuck lol. It's tight as shit, and it's a very TIGHT hitter. It's really cool looking. It's a colorful shroom with tubes and a glass tube or shaft or chamber...I don't know the lingo. I guess you just have to see it to understand what I mean.

For those of you who don't know, my parents left June 13 for Argentina and they will be gone until July 5th. I miss them a lot but It's fun around here. I'm staying with my grandma for the first week (SHE LEAVES TOMARROW) and I can't fucking take her anymore. She's very invasive and it pisses me off. I got caught smoking in my room. Yea guys and girls. IN MY ROOM. Rents are gone take advantage. Well she caught me and it was mad funny. I felt bad but I was really high so I didn't know what to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma, but shes controlling. I'm not fine alone because I'm still dependent, but she doesn't give me any freedom. I have to beg to go out for an hour... It's my summer and I'll do WTF i want. So yea, Me, Blum, Fahay, Eddie, Kaminsky, and Chris smoked in my room, later that night we smoked MORE and when I came out she goes I know what your doing. Your smokming..."What are you smoking" she asked...She looked into my eyes and said "OMG Marijuana" I walked outside and started to laugh lol, then I FREAKED OUT. So far she told my Aunt and Cousin who are straight as shit so hopefully my dad dooesn't find out. My mom knos I smoke, but she doesn't like me to do it.

I started working at camp with Kindergarden boys and I am having the most fun ever. Last year was okay, but this year the kids are 10 times cuter and 10 times better behaived. That an I'm getting paid 6 times as much. 1200 for camp, and 250 for the bus counselor. 1450 minus taxes = 1100-1200. It's all good though. I'm going to save it up for something later in life. No need to spend it on pot, I don't want to become a pot head. I also got a 200 dollar check from Paypal (For selling shit on E-Bay) that is going to my pot lol.

Well anyway back to camp. I'm working with Katie again who I absolutly adore and cherish. She's an amazing person. I have corey as my CIT (I think i spelt it wrong) and Debbie as my Sr. Counselor. The kids are ADORABLE. Not to smart but they are only 5. There is this one kid Dylan. He is the cutest thing in the world. I want to take pictures. I love these kids like my own. They are so full of life and I remember thats how I acted.

That's that, so lets move on. Yael and I are attempting to become closer by spending more time together, writing notes, talking on the phone. It's a step past where we are now. I desperately want to get back with her. She is the only thing that truly matters right now. I'm falling in love with her all over again and I don't know if I can deal with being heart broken again. I'm young as hell and I understand, but maybe what if she is the one I have been searching for to make my life complete for the time being. I can't see anything wrong with her, and to me she is perfect. She's one of those girls who thinks they are fat or ugly or they are just unhappy with who they are, and I'm one of those people who thinks she is the more beautiful person created. She has just gotten so much more beautiful then I could ever imagine. She still has that face of an angel. How badly I want to be with her, you may know, but how much love I have for her, is something that can not be measured. It would take a lifetime to understand why I love her and what I feel for her.

Let's just take it one step at a time, let's see where it goes, correct? Well I'm waiting, and I think I'm ready to continue to wait for her, as long as we keep on getting closer. I yearn to hold her in my arms again, to touch lips and connect, to channel through a world that only our love can put us in. All I can do is sit and wait for her to see more clearly what she desires.

Don't think I'll update this everyday now, I just had some free time. My sister comes tomarrow, and my grandma leaves. I miss my sister to so I'm excited to see her. My brother comes back from Australia on July 25th, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss him too. I'm thankful for my family and friends. Understand that I respect you and love you, so don't give me reasons to disrespect you or hate you.

Long time (like umm 8 days) no update

2003-05-23T02:03:02Z

Well, I don't like coming on here and typing about shit that happened last week, mainly because I don't remember it, but let's focus on the past 2 days and now. Okay maybe lets focus on the general knowledge that I have on my life.

I'm becoming a fucking gambling addict. I lose mad money and yet I continue to play spades. Hersh owes me 2 bux, and I lost 4 today. Kaminsky and I beat Sean and Mark in the tourny, so we have to play Mark and Taylor again to see who will make the finals. It's only for 10 bux (Each) but its 10 dollars more then I have now.

I'm starting to sell ... CANDY so I can get more money, I like having money, and a lot of it. I hate spending it though. Hence, being jewish. I'm selling candy trying to save up 200 bux for umm...Other things. I also have been selling ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with a decent value on e-bay. The money isn't to bad, a few hundred so far with useless unused crap in my house.

I kind of like this E-Bay stuff. It's fun, time consuming, and it gives me something to do that I enjoy...Make Money!! I could see me doing this as a part-time job, if someone ever offered it. This experience just opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. I may want to run a buisness of technology for the following 2 reasons: 1) I absolutly LOVE technology (i.e computers) and 2) I think it would be a good experience to run a buisness.

So yea, thats stuff about my general life that all of you can see and hardly any of you know.

On to my personal life.

Sheesh, things are weird, and I am still so confused. I don't think it's about who I want to be with, but it's about WHAT I want to get out of a relationship. A few months ago I was all sad and shit becuase it wasn't ever going to get serious with that girl. Now I'm loosening up, and I think I just want to have fun...Fun with a very small amount of seriousness. I want to be in love, but the fun puppy dog kind of love. I'm not depressed anymore, but still desperate lol!

I'm spending tomarrow after school with Electa. We're making cupcakes !!!!! YUM That will be fun, it'll give us a chance to bond. Today, 2 people kept asking me if I liked Lauren ( Not Wilburn) and I WONDER why they would do that. I told you before and I'll tell you both again, I don't know. I love the girl to death, her personality is wonderful, but it's not a matter of that. I've been in love with the same girl for so long and it's just so hard for me to let go. As soon as I get attached, I NEVER let go. Thats the kind of person I am. Very few people can get me to forget about her, and I have a list already of those girls.

I don't have a love life, it's that simple, and I don't tink I want one. Well of course I want a girlfriend, but I just can't explain it. I need somebody who is like my mother...but who ACTUALLY CALLS ME BACK!!!!!!!!!! What is meant to be will always find a way. I have lived by that quote for quite some time and I will continue to.

I don't want to go into further detail and bore you with the grusome facts, so I'll end the love life portion here.

School ends in like umm FUCK I HATE SCHOOL. I have probably 3 tests and then exams. I'm so excited for summer. I do something I enjoy (Watch over 5 yr olds) and act like a child. I have a blast and get paid for it. That's the life. I also get to work with "Her." She is still my secret lover, but also my best friend. I hope it works out, I really do. She just needs to stop saying she'll call when she never does.

I'm done for the night, I need to shower and call Electa to have our nightly talk.

P.S I've been sick for like EVER with a sinus infection or flu or w/e

Love always,
~Spoli~

iamspoli @ 2003-05-14T00:57:00

2003-05-14T05:13:29Z

We all grow up, we live, we do wrong, and we do right. Then we die. That is life, it is that simple. We give to the world what we recieve back from it. The more you give, the more you will recieve, it is just proven. There are exceptions though. When you give and give and give, sometimes, you just don't recieve enough in return to keep you going. When you give, you create fuel, and while you are giving, your fuel is being used. Then comes the day when you begin to live off of the fuel you are supposed to recieve, and when you don't recieve enough fuel, you fall back, you stay still, you standalone, and you die. Maybe not physically, but mentally. You always need to give things your best because the outcome will be good no matter what. I always say, things happen for a reason. If that is true, then we all do the things we do, not becasue we're not "Thinking," but because that is what is expected fom us.

How many of you have ever loved someone other then your immediate family? If you can answer "I have" to that question, consider yourself one of the luckiest people on earth. If you truely belive you were in love and still are, you have something that 2.2 billion people will never experience...The emotion of love. What is it that gets you to love one individual? Is it their smile? The way their hair falls through your face? Their soft smooth skin? Their beautiful smile, despite what everyone says? The beauty that you see underneath all of the uglyness on the outside? All of those can be correct, but you can not truely love someone just for looks. You need to love someone for their personality, for the person they are, for the person you know them as. Love isn't something that should be toyed with, but for some people, it's only a game. What a hurtful game, correct? Love doesn't always stink. If you are true to yourself and to your partner, love is a great thing. If you are faithful, love is amazing. If you are open with your emotions and with your partner, love is perfect. If you respect yourself and your partner, love is enchanting. If you know how to address "Love" and it's emotions, then you can be in love and stay in love.

Once you have love, it is hard keep it and stay with it. You won't stop loving someone over night, but if they do things that nag you and continue to nag you because you don't tell them, then that is your fault for not be open and honest. A Relationship is based on love, trust, friendship, respect, honesty, and most importantly, the amazing feeling you get when you are with your partner...That feeling of ecstasy.

You don't need to have sex to encounter a feeling of ecstasy, you just need to be around your lover. I'm 15, still a virgin, and proud that I haven't done it yet. Although it has crossed my mind quite a few times, I love being in love and being loved. It's a feeling that I will never get past because I was in love once, and I still am. If I had to choose between Sex with a VERY good looking woman, or one romantic evening with the one whom I love, what do you think I'd pick. Many of you who don't know me would say sex, but the people who do know me, who truely know the real me (Not many people) would know that I would rather spend a romantic evening with the woman i loved.

By romantic, I don't mean a movie and dinner....

I mean feeding eachother finger foods, sitting on the beach under a moonlit sky. Then sipping on some champagne. After that a nice stroll along the beach's coastline with our feet in the water just enough to send chills up and down our spine. That night doesn't have to end with my lover sleeping over. If it ended with a simple kiss on the cheek I would be happy, because my state of ecstasy would be 10 times of someone who has sex with a good looking girl who they have no feelings for.

Learn who I am by reading this. I am the man I want to be when I'm 25, I'm the man I can't wait to become a father. I'm the average hard working american male who strives for excellence and wants to marry my "True Love" and have children who I am able to love because they are mine.

This isn't specifically dedicated to anyone, but I was enspired by music.

Got this from jason

2003-05-12T05:59:45Z

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	58.3% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	62.7%
Shamelessness	78.6% Has yet to see self in mirror	77.7%
Sex Drive	94.7% The Pope is envious	76%
Straightness	44.6% Done the nasty, but not creatively	41.9%
Gayness	98.2% Repressed, are we?	80.7%
Fucking Sick	100%	88.6%
You are 77.75% pure Average Score: 70.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Well guys, I talked to Yael, and thing are going to just stay down and around. Nothing more then friends until something happens...I sent her 5 texts tonight after she went to sleep...They were nice, I'll tell you all later anyway...I love her yes its true, but lets have some fun!!!!!! I don't drink beer, nor do I do shots...but I sit at home and smoke MAD POT!! If you want to hear the story of Yael and I you know where to reach me.

Anywho, May 10th I went to the Concert. Hot Rod Circuit, MXPX, Good Charlotte, and NFG. It was amazing, I went with blum and we hung out in the box (Yael's brother got her tickets for her birthday) Being confused sucks people, although I talked to her, I'm still completely and utterly confused. I just want summer to come so I can go back to the way it was, seeing my friends everyday, not worrying about anything except the safty of my kindergarden boys...Love, It's a mother fucker, eh? Who cares....

For those of you who haven't fallen in love yet, Don't because when you do, you will need someone to love constantly. It's hard to fall for someone as wonderful as my ex, and not have the satisfaction of actually being together with her.

Well, I hang out with Jessica and Electa, and I've developed quite the highschool crush on her, but she likes someone else and it's all fucked up, but I have a big suprise for her =), and I don't mean umm 8===D, thats not big, it's pequeno

2:00 in the morning, i have school, i'm off to bed

BTW, the Gayness purity is 98.2 because I pinch my guy friends asses because its funny lol....

Just read it and don't ask questions

2003-05-11T06:00:22Z

I don't know what I want in my life. I don't know who I want to be with. I don't know anything anymore. I know I love one girl, and have fun with the other, but at this point in my life I want to be with someone who I can actually see myself grow old with. I want to be with someone who when we are both old and wrinkled, I will still think she is beautiful. I don't care if we're not together or if we don't get married, but I need someone I can be serious with and yet, have the best time in the world when we hang out. I can't explain it, but I want to get butterflies EVERYTIME I see this girl, and I want to be able to look into her eyes, and know exactly what she is feeling.

I Want to be able to see the world and the heavens in her eyes, and I want her to love me for who I am. I want her to not care about my looks. I want her to look into my heart and truely love me for the child I am now and the man I will become. When you love someone, you never want to let them go. You want to be with them and stay with them forever. I loved someone, and we let it go to hell. I started a fight with her for no reason good enough to break up a relationship. I was stupid and foolish as any guy is who is so in love. I was obsessive and very overprotective. I was the man I didn't want to believe I was. I was the dick who never should have came out. And as I sit here listening to the music of my soul, I also sit here and cry. Cry for the past, Smile for the future. Isn't that right? No! Cry for the past, and cry for the future, because you lost what you had. It got serious and you were never able to handle the situations because you have never been in a serious relationship before.

It got bad, and it got hurtful. It ended up wrong and if I could go back, I would and do everything different, but I can't. Whats done is done, but I can guide myself for a future with someone I feel comfortable with and who I still to this day have feelings for. Maybe I don't love her the same way as I used to, but I want to be able to. I doubt things will spark up again, but I want to be able to love her again. It's not that I'm not allowed, it is that I don't have any reason to continue to love her, except that she is beautiful, smart, cute, funny, she has a great personality, she is friendly, she is just an angel sent to me from heaven and I want to have her in my life for as long as fate allows me to keep her. At times I don't believe in fate, becasue I don't like the fact that I'm not in control of my own life, but when you meet someone for the first time, you have this instinct and I got that when I saw her. Maybe not right away, but I was the luckiest man in the world. I had someone who loved me for me, and I loved her just as much for the right reasons. For the same reasons people get married and stay together forever. I don't want to continue to try, but I can't stop thinking. I'm sorry for what I've been doing.

I have an anger issue. It goes for people who act stupid. I never realize that it's not on purpose...It's a matter of ignorance. Not in a bad way, but just not knowing certain things. Not keeping promises, not doing things you said you would. I treated you life a queen and I continue to try to give you the best with or without you as my pookie. You know who you are, I wish....I wish for a lot of things that don't happen, and it's stupid to wish. When you wish, all you do is give yourself false hopes because your wish will never come true unless you do something about it.

***Edited to disallow comments because of stupidity and idiocy.. E-Mail me spoli@buytimemist.com for comments***

Weekend update with Spoli Da Bitch

2003-04-28T04:45:15Z

This weekend was shit. I enjoyed it, but it was still crap. As soon as I made phone calls on friday, I knew the whole weekend would suck. Everyone was busy with out of town stuff and tournaments and what not.

Friday, Lauren came home with me and we changed into our uniforms and got dropped off at the park. We played basketball with Max, Evan, and Frank...and a bunch of debate kids who I don't really like. In reality Lauren sat her ass down on the bench and tried to tan her legs while I was playing Basketball. It was funny, she was all enthusiastic about playing and when we actually went she didn't want to participate. Hehe

After that my daddy picked us up and brought us back to Casa de Spoli. We hung out and talked to people online. We were in a constant silly fight. Not a serious one, but we were like pushing and soving and love tapping one another. When ever she hit me I jumped on her and pinned her to the the so she couldn't move. I didn't rape her but I could have :P. She was yelling rape but she was pinned, so I licked her face all over, like my brother used to do to me lol. It's gross because I don't even know where my mouth has been. After that whole mess, we dropped her off at her house. I came back home, showered and got all dressed up and made phone calls hoping that someone would be available. I called literally 30 people who drove and they were either busy, the phone was off, they were out of town, or at Sanjeets party.

***Sanjeet threw a party, but he was in orlando. LoL, they used it backyard, it was funny.

Anyway, so no one wanted to hang, and I got pissed, I had a feeling the weekend was going to be shit. I still ended up having a fun night, mainly because I got to spend time with Allison and Lauren. We hung out at my house and just chilled. We layed in my bed and watched Television and talked. At 10:30 I asked my dad to take us to taco bell, and he agreed. So we went to taco bell and picked up a lot of fattttt food. Allsion didn't eat anything becuase she doesn't eat fast food and she is like healthy.

They both left at about 11:30, and overall it was a fun night. I'm glad I got to spend time with them, they are some of my favoritest people.

Saturday was a bit better. Jason handin picked me up and we went to Laurens house. Malcom the 10th was over her house and so we hung out there for awhile. I signed on her screen name and I talked to this kid austin who is in love with her and I pretended to be lauren. I told him how she is in love with Spoli (Me) and im much better then him..LoL!! She got so pissed at me that I felt it was only right if I called him and told him the truth. I called and and told him and she wasn't as pissed. She left with Jill to whereever she went and I went with Jason and Malcom the 10th to pick up Alli at her friends house in Glen walk. She gave us directions so we ended up getting lost in Glen walk for like 30 minutes. Don't ever let a girl give you directions, unless it is someones mother. So we finally picked her up and went to her house so she can get something quickly. After that we drove around some more and then went to Denny's

When we got there Hutch called me, I told him where I was and he showed up 10 minutes later with Max, Evan and Frank. Those kids are charecters. They caused a big scene in Denny's and then just left. lol We were supposed to be done with dinner at 10:30 so jason could drop us off and head home to his moms in boca but the service is so crappy there we didnt place our order until that time. We had to cancel the order and leave. We ended up at Miami subs where I ordered ALOT. I got dropped off and ate. After that, I found out my computer had like 300000 viruses so I spent all of last night and this afternoon fixing it. It is custom built so I have problems when it comes to reformatting. Thank god I'm a GENIOUIS with computers :)

So that was my weekend and as for my love life, I don't know whats up with it. I'm so incredibly confused with who I like and what I want. I don't know if I like Alli, I don't know if I like Lauren, and I don't know if I secretly want to get back together with Yael. All I do know is that I miss being in love. It's an amazing feeling and nothing can compare to it. I want to be in love again, but not with the wrong person.

Good Night my friends

~Spoli

Stole this one too lol

2003-04-21T19:45:26Z

Basics
[ Name ]: Michael Spoliansky A.K.A - Spoli
[ Born in ]: Ft. Lauderdale
[ Resides in ]: Coral Springs
[ Good student? ]: Yes
[ Eyes ]: Brown

Last Time You
[ Showered ]: Last Night
[ Had Sex ]: Eww, bad bad bad.
[ Had A Great Time With the Opposite Sex ]: Umm does that mean "Hookin up" or "Hanging out." I had a good time umm Last Thursday
[ Laughed ]: This Morning
[ Talked to an ex ]: A few days

Do You
[ Smoke? ]: Sometimes
[ Do drugs? ]: Marijuana isn't a drug fools.
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: No
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: No
[ Play an instrument? ]: No
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: Yes
[ Remember your first love? ]: Yes
[ Read the newspaper? ]: Yes
[ Have any straight friends? ]: Yes
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: No
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: Not anymore (Bad Experience)
[ Believe in God? ]: In my OWN way that differs from EVERYONE
[ Pray? ]: Nah
[ Go to church? ]: I'm a jew fool
[ Have any secrets? ]: Yes
[ Have any pets ]: Yes
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: Yes..
[ Wear hats? ]: Visors
[ Have any piercings? ]: Not Yet
[ Have any tattoos? ]: No
[ Hate yourself? ]: No
[ Have an obsession? ]: Yes
[ Have a secret crush? ]: Yes, it's not a secret though
[ Collect anything? ]: Yes
[ Have a best friend? ]: Yes
[ Like your handwriting? ]: Kinda
[ Have any bad habits? ]: Yes
[ Care about looks? ]: Not really, just my hair :)
[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: No, as long as they are sweet..
[ Friends and other people? ]: wtf does this mean
[ Believe in witches? ]: Nope
[ Believe in Satan? ]: Nope
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: Nope

Current:
[ Dress ]: Nike Shorts white shirt
[ Mood ]: Content
[ Make-up ]: I'm a guy, i dont wear that.
[ Music ]: None
[ Taste ]: Diet Snapple
[ Hair ]: It's just there, I don't touch it...Puffy lol
[ Annoyance ]: None?
[ Smell ]: Clean Air
[ Thought ]: *Allison* and then Football :)
[ Book ]: Maxim Magazine
[ Fingernail Color ]: Normal Color
[ Refreshment ]: Diet Snapple
[ Worry ]: I don't really worry, I have not a care in the world
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: Bruce Willis

Last Person you...
[ You Touched ]: Kaminsky or Hersh
[ You Talked to ]: Lauren
[ You Hugged ]: Allison
[ You Instant messaged ]: Lauren
[ You Yelled At ]: Matt Hersh
[ You Had A Crush On ]: Allison
[ Who broke Your Heart ]: Yael
[ Kissed ]: Shaina...it was on the cheek though

Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: No one really
[ Slap ]: Blum..
[ Tickle ]: Lauren !!
[ Talk To ]: Allison...but something makes me not want to...fear of rejection maybe.
[ Have Sex with ]: When the time is right and the person is great, I'll know...I'd fuck any cute girl with a vagina though lol..
[ Kiss ]: Allison :\
[ Be Like ]: Hershey :-D

Stole this from the Chachinator

2003-04-21T19:30:46Z

*FRIENDS*

SWEETEST: *Allison*
CUTEST: *Allison*
HOTTEST: Hershey
SILLIEST: We all have our moments
STUPIDEST: Jeff Berger
MOST FRIENDLY: I'm most friendly...face it.
MOST BITCHY: Chachi (Sometimes)
MOST POPULAR: Yea, thats me again...I'm cooler then my friends.
BIGGEST DRUNK: Shulak
BIGGEST FLIRT: Lauren
MOSTLY LIKELY TO MARRY OUTTA HIGH SCHOOL: Jason and Leah
FUNNIEST: Jeff Berger
BEST DRESSED: Kaminsky...He wears all this rich stuff...he doesnt look good but just wears expensive stuff
BEST HAIR: Lauren + Allison
PRETTIEST EYES: Lauren Kroikee
BEST SMILE: I don't know...I think Andrea though or Lindsey L or who cares its a damn smile
SMARTEST: Def. David L.
KNOWS YOU THE BEST: Courtney
HARDEST WORKER: Once again David L
BIGGEST SLACKER: Josh Blum
WOULD ROOM WITH: Depends. If I become a huge pothead...Josh Blum, if I don't, then Hershey

iamspoli @ 2003-04-21T00:23:00

2003-04-21T04:44:33Z

You know when you meet new people, you want to develop a great friendship with them, but you end up falling for them....Well that happens to many people and I am a sucker of that little game we call love. It sucks to "Fall" for someone you can't have and you know you can't have them but it only makes you want them more...and then when you begin to move away from them, they begin to fall for you. Love or "Lust" never works at the same time, why is that? I've had one occasion when it actually worked out for me and I just finally realized today what "Don't fix what isn't broken" truly means.

The sad thing is that, I can spend my time secretly wishing for something to happen with this girl and I know it never will. You can't control people's feelings. Feelings aren't toys, they are not meant to be played with. I understand that, and I don't try to change peoples feelings. I do however have my wishful thinking which always just turns out biting me in the ass. I spend time with this girl, I guess you can say a lot of time, and everytime I'm around her, she just stands out...maybe not to anyone else, but when I look at her, she's the only one who I care about...Until someone slaps me across the face and says come back to reality. I'm a "Sucker for a kiss." I wonder what one kiss would feel like from this enchantin human being. She may not be everything I want, but I don't care, because I'm about having fun and wearing a smile, and no matter what happens between us, I always seem to find a smile on my face...It's a great feeling and I am lucky enough to feel it. I only wish I would truly get the girl that I will never have.

If I know I don't have a chance with her, why do I keep digging a grave for my heart. The harder you fall the harder it hurts. It's a logical thing, correct? Well I have fallen pretty hard, and for someone I can't have too, which makes it f`ed up. So guys, you hit the inside of my lovelife and the sad thing is I'm not even done.

Everyone see's the way I look at her and everyone knows how much I like her just by the way I look at her. I see her as a friend, and a good one I might add, but I hate hiding true feelings, it's so...FAKE! If you guys know who I'm talking about, you should know why I like her, if you're a random person reading this...You will never understand. So what I like a girl, she's just another money spending gold digger right? NO, not this one, she's different then all other girls, shes cooler them all, and shes pretty real. I don't love her more then just a friend, nor do I plan on falling in love with her.

This was the main reason I began this Live Journal. I wanted people to see inside of me and attempt to feel what I feel. Thanks for reading, and don't post stupid shit

And Our 2005 Class song should be the one that makes me cry because I think of the past and wish it never left.

Eve6 - Here's to the night (Thank you Alexis and Steph for introducing me to this song 2 years ago)

Heres to the nights we felt alive
Heres to the tears you knew you'd cry
Heres to goodbye tomarrow's gonna come to soon

Well guys, I'm sorry to bore you but It felt good, now I'm going to lay down and once again cry myself to sleep because it's my only way of feeling better about myself in the morning.

Holy Shit!! Long Time!

2003-04-15T03:47:38Z

Wow guys, It's been quite sometime since I last updated this. I don't even know when I last wrote in here. A lot of shit has happened in the past, but I'll tell you about my Spring Break so far. I havn't drank in ALONG time. So thats a good thing.

Friday night I went out with Josh, Jessica, and Electa. It was a fun night

Saturday Night I went to a musical hosted by NBPS with Josh and Etai. I met DAN MARINO, and he touched me!! It was "Damn Yankees" and Dan Marino Jr. was like the star who was great. I enjoyed it very much so.

Sunday Berger threw a party. It was fun I guess, EVERYONE showed up. Mad heads yo :P. Shit so many details that I don't want to type.

And today, he threw yet another party. Before hand I went out with Lauren and Allison to Friday's. It was great. Then we went to Larry's for some ice cream and it was YUM. Then we went back to Allison's and walked to Jeff's. I had to play bouncer the whole night. Kicking people out left and right and then mad seniors rolled up Threatning me and shit, now you may hate my brother, or my sister, or like them both, but if your disrespectful to me I'll call the fucking cops on your ass, so I did. Now they didn't get there until No one was in the front. Blum made me give them the fucking address which I didn't want to give but he was like 12415 or w/e, that kinda made me mad. So 30 minutes later, the cops fucking roll up. Ranada left the fucking door open so the cops open the door. I walk out of the bathroom cause i smelt like pot (I sprayed myself with cologne) and I go "Do i still smell like pot?" The cop goes "excuse me do you live here?" I went Nope, and then my mom called right after that, I said "I have to ansswer this sorry" I walk to the back tlel my mom i'd call her right back and I FUCKING DIPPED. Ran the fuck out of there. I ran to Fleckners and waited for my mom to come. Allison showed up like 1 min later with Lauren. I totally forgot about them.

I promised her mom I'd look after her and did I no. I feel like the biggest asshole you don't understand. I'm a scumbag and I know it. I got my friends in trouble and if they want to beat my ass they can because you know what, I deserve it. That door should not have been unlocked, but someone fucking did it. I hate myself because I let someone who i'm close to down. I got my friends in trouble...I don't want to deal with it. I'm taking a vacation from Coral Springs Life. Moving up to Gainesville for a few and then I'm comming back. As much as I love springs....I hate myself more then anyone can hate me right now.

I feel like a scrumbag asshole dick face who doesnt deserve anything anymore. I'm not lieing tho...I hate feeling like this because I fucked up and did a fucked up thing. It wasn't supposed to end like this, no it wasn't, but sometimes, we need to expect the unexpected.

Sadness once again...What should I do?!?!

2003-04-06T06:10:20Z

Well guys, before I get into my personal life, let me just tell you about my friday and saturday :)

Friday at school was very relaxing and a lot better then I would have expected. I'm going to skip the school part and just go to the rest of the day. I went to play basketball with the boyz and I just did a lot of running and jumping and missing baskets :) I'm terrible at basketball but I keep playing becuase I enjoy having a good time. Thats what I'm all about, having a good time. So we played B-Ball, and of course...my team won because umm...I don't know why but I sure as hell didn't commit to our win...LoL! Hey maybe we lost, who the fuck cares, it was very fun. We did that for about 2 hours and we were deciding on plans for later that night. We all agreed on a fine dining experience at Hops.

So later that night around 8:45...Jeff picks me up (FINALLY) and we head over to Hops. It was Matt, Matt, Jeff, Taylor, Danny, Ian, Me, Blum, and umm more people i just don't remember. Johnny, Matt V, and Lauren ended up joining us later. I went with blum to get some blacks, cause we're negros....lol. We were outside chillin when we met Harry!! Johnny and Matt and Lauren we're leaving while we were outside...and from what I heard, some drama occured that I rather not go into detail.

I went back inside, ate, paid for my dinner and some odd reason LAUREN'S DRINK!!!!!!!!!

I left immediately after I ate. I went with Blum to Cookies. His parents were out of town so we went to hang there. It was fucking stupid though. I walk in, I see 9 dicks playing cards with a vagina watching...I was like fuck that! I don't wanna explain the rest of the night. I stayed sober, and I didn't drink. I got home my mom said hi to me and took a deep breath to make sure I didn't drink lol. Oh yea, Johnny brought me home because blum had to go early.

Now on to my saturday. I was woken up at 10 fucking 30 by courtney, which totally pissed me off. Then Allison called me, and it put a smile on my face. She has the ability to do that. So she called me and was like "Want to come run to the deli." Of course me being the excercise freak I am, I agreed. My mom dropped me off at her house and we ended up walking to Bagleland. I had chicken fingers and she had Matzaball soup, and 1/2 a turkey sandwich with sliced tomatoes on the side....That being said, I'm NEVER going to eat with her again lol! She eats very...umm...weird :) On the way back to her house, we stopped at McDonalds for their SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM!!! The best ever :D. After that we walked to her house and just hung out for a while.

We talked and spat water all over eachother. We made popcorn and drank orange juice. Let's just say that when ever I feel sad or bad, I can look back to this day and just smile, because it was probably the best day that I have had in a LONG ASS Time. I went home at 5:20ish...I had to run :(. I ran like 1 + 1/2 miles just to get home, and I was tired. I got in, and blum showed up. We went to the mall to exchange something and then we went back to my house...During that time, I made plans with Lauren and Blum to go see Boat Trip at magnolia and eat dinner.

Allison called me up while in the mall and asked me if she could come. That made me smile...Guys get the fucking picture if you already haven't....

Anyway, we picked Allison and Talya up at 7:30. We dropped Talya off at the mall (I don't know why) and we went to the movie theater. I got my ticket for Boat Trip...and they got their tickets for umm...What a girl wants..It was Rated R so umm they had to. We got into the movie, say only like 3 people there lol...It was empty. Oh!! Before that we went to Ruby tuesdays to get some food. We ate and Lauren broke my fucking phone...Thanks!!!!! Whatever though, it's only a phone. After that we went to get candy at albertsons. Yumm

Okay, not we went into the movie. Honestly it was the funniest movie since American Pie (The original). It was the perfect humor for me becuase I'm perverted lol...

That was my night. Blum dropped me off, and now here I am writing in my live journal.

I was going to go to sleep, but I have this pain inside my chest and I need to get it out. Maybe I want the world to know. Put 2 and 2 together people. Allison makes me smile, and I love spending time with her because she's fun to be around...

I'm sad once again because I'm living a dream. I'm living in a Fantasy world. Allison is just another girl who will say to me "I like you as a friend," or something along those lines. Do I think I have a chance? Nope, but will that ever stop me in life? Nope. And thats where I think I have it made. I don't let it stop me. Chance or no Chance, I would never let it affect a friendship of mine. She may be good to me and she may make me feel all warm and tingly inside, but if her feelings aren't the same...She's just another girl.

It kills me to say that because when I do fall for someone, I hit it hard. I'm not only scared to love again, but I'm scared of being hurt. It will never stop me, but it will always be a feeling of mine. You meet new people everyday and I understand I'm young, but when you know that there is someone for you who accepts you for you it feels good. I don't listen to emo as often as I did. I do listen to sappy songs though, and they give me the ability to write from the heart.

I meet a new person a day, because I'm a friendly person. When I met this girl, I didn't feel anything, I thought she was cute and I based my crush on her on things I regret. But that tiny crush enabled me to see a whole new person who I think is amazing. So what shes not perfect, but ya know what, I think shes perfect for me....and thats all that matters.

Eternal Sleep

2003-04-02T21:29:03Z

It's not that I forgot to update my live journal yesterday, it's just that I didn't feel like doing it. I had a really bad day yesterday, although I don't know what caused it. I wasn't in the social mood and I was just very spacy from the world. I got home, went to home depot, got home and from 5:30 - 9:30 I took a LONG nap. I woke up, and immediately called Allison, just so I could say good night. Then, I called Courtney, and then Yael (She got me upset the first time) and then I'm like I'll call you later, and then I called Courtney again, heated my food and ate dinner, then I said good night, we parted, and I watched Jimmy Kimmel and fell back asleep (12:30 ish) I wasn't very social yesterday because I was just sick of society. I woke up a very Non-Social person and I had to get to school.

I arrived at school with a very dull face and an attitude like you wouldn't believe. Within that 15 - 20 minute timeframe in the morning, I was taking people's actions into consideration. The people who noticed I wasn't my usual self would say something and those people would be considered my true friends. The people I expected to care, didn't and the people I least expected to care really showed concern. Despite the attitude that I gave back when I didn't reply to their questions, I did notice you were trying to make me feel better and trying to help me out. I really do love my friends...Now I just know who the assholes are.

I want to take this little segment to thank three people in general. David L. (I would spell your last name, but umm I don't know how...) and Lauren W, and Diego...He's my Chilean friend :). In the morning Lauren knew I was down and she made a very good effort to make me smile. Although I only smiled once, it was good to smile. David was concerned about me throughout the whole day until I Saw him after school. He kept asking me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk and if he could do anything, which made me realize that he is a true friend. Diego actually took time and made me feel appreciated. He was mainly the one who got me to smile and laugh and just become normal again. It was bound to happen but he sped up the process.

I really do appreciate everyone caring, even though it didn't seem like it at the time.

Anyway, let me go on with my day. We did work in my classes and I picked up a NEW box of candy to sell. I went to fourth hour and I had a panic attack that lasted 15 minutes. It was crazy...I felt like I couldn't control myself until I finally calmed down and went to sleep. I was ready to kill someone, and once again, very few people (mostly girls) showed me that they cared.

Then lunch came and my whole day brightened up. Diego had a good positive effect on me, and somehow he cheered me up. Then I went to debate and I saw Barri, which was a bright ray of sunshine in my life. I don't like her, but she is always very happy and peppy and it's just so refreshing to see that. Then after debate we went to 7th hour, where I worked with Eddie on our rocket. We launched it the 2nd furthest and it was cool as shit. I had a lot of fun.

After school I had to record my campaign thingy. I'm running for c/o 2005 Treasurer so if you know anyone who are sophmores...Tell them to vote for me :)

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm home now and I'm back to normal. I love all of my friends who were there for me and thank you for being there for me.

Call me @ Home if you want the chat...If you want my #, It's a secret...If you know it, call me

Tired of life...Hate my friends...NOPE, It's PMS

2003-04-01T02:44:11Z

Yea people, guys do get PMS once a month too, or at least I do maybe because I'm a freak.

I had a very relaxing day, which I was hoping for. I'm very disappointed in my report card, and I don't plan on doing shit about it. I got a C+ instead of a C. 2 A's 2 B+'s 2 B's and a C+. I think its a 4.071 GPA which is shit. Next quarter I'm going to try my hardest and next year is the year I will give it my ALL and get my Weighted GPA to at least a 4.5. It will be difficult, but I will try my hardest to do it. That is my goal. To do well in all of my classes, and manage a 4.5 all year long (Minimum) which is 4 a's and 3 b's (4.57 GPA) That is my minimum, and I'm hoping for a 5.0, which would help me out a lot.

I want to succede, but I've had priorities kidna fucked up, and I've been slacking off alot. I feel I've made poor friendship choices and I've done some messed up things. I'm trying to cut back on drinking because some people who mean the world to me don't like it. I would get deep into my feelings, but there are some people who read this, who I rather not know what I'm feeling right now. I'm a complicated person and I'm just having trouble with a love life. I love all of my friends, but I have a different kind of love for each of them. I'd do anything for anyone of my friends, that I don't doubt.

Right now, I'm just having mixed feelings about my friends, my love life, and just my life in general. I just need to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine, until that one day comes when everything is truely fine, and life is perfect. I believe in that perfect day and I don't think it's too far away.

Love...It's a mother fucker. Ya know that feeling? When you just fall for someone and you can't help it, but you want to be able to stop yourself...I'm scared of ruining something so I'm stopping myself and it's hurting me harder then I expected. If your reading this and your making the assumption on that girl's name...just stop because you won't get it right.

Some people who read this would never expect me to feel, or have feelings....Well here is the mike you never took the time to know and if you don't like him, go fuck yourself. If you don't like who I am, I have two words for you... Suck my dick asshole and go fuck yourself....Told you its PMS :\...Every little thing that someone does, between today and wensday...will probably piss me off, so I want to apologize to you before I do anything that upsets you.

My day was good and relaxing. I'm still listening to John Mayer, Lonestar, O-Town, and Dashboard Confessional. I'm going to go shower and hopefully refresh myself so this doesn't last as long as it has in the past...I really don't like to be mean, but sometimes it's the only way..

People say that love is very overused, and to those who believe in that...FUCK YOU because you know what, I hope you don't tell your best friends you love them and they die the next day...If that's what it will take to get you to use that word, then let it happen.

I told you i'm mean.

Love to everyone I care about

<3 Spoli

P.S You ALL Owe me phone calls, don't give me reasons to hate you.

Bar Mitzvah Bitches...LoL

2003-03-31T04:27:40Z

I got home from the Bar Mitzvah around 6:30ish. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best thing ever. The girls were WAY to young looking for me so I couldn't touch them, and the only reason it was fun was because of that girl Arielle (spelling again). I got to talk to her and if she wasn't there I would have had a terrible time. The party was cool, MC was cool as well. He gave me a hat...which I really LIKE, its actually a Visor kind of thing. Anyway here is the big news from that party...

When they began to play slow songs and I had no one to dance with I began to think as usual, and I came to some very good conclusions about my feelings and why I have been crushing a lot lately. I guess you can call me a needy person. Not necessarily needy but I love to have someone there for me. I love to be there for people as well. When they were playing those songs, I began to think about these girls that I supposedly crush. Out of all 1000 of them, I really only like 2 of them, maybe even 1. I love to have someone there who I can go to if I need a hand. I'm lonely and right now I'm just thinking about anyone who is beautiful with a great personality...I want more then that though. I'm just so desperate to get out..It's kind of weird. I guess I can fall easily for anyone, but it doesn't matter who, as long as they can give me what I need. Which is basically a close and loving relationship. Without that, I begin to feel like I'm not wanted or loved or whatever. I know I'm loved, but people have very odd ways of showing it...

Well. I left the above typed while I went out with Allison and Lauren. I honestly had one of the FUNNEST nights ever.

I got picked up for a nice trip to Sweet Tomatoes at about 7:00. I had like 5 bowls of Chicken Noodle Soup and all of this desert kind of stuff that was yummy. We had like a mini food fight. Everything that was said, we had to laugh for like 10 minutes about it. When we went for desert Lauren kept puttin ice cream on my face and it turned out that I was going to win. Right as we got up, I took one last sip of my water and threw it right in her face....I felt really really bad because thats not usually like me to be that mean...but I have to admit it was pretty damn funny. Oh also, I saw Alexis there because she got a job and hey its a job!! LoL!

After Sweet Tomatoes, Alli's mommy came to pick us up. She brought us back to Casa de Alli <3 :P, where we went into allison's room for like 3 hours and just talked and did stupid stuff. I have like 2 Hickeys on my arm thanks to Lauren and like 24 Bite marks on my hand thanks to Alli, LoL. Despite all the pain, it was the most fun I have ever had...I think.. lol Somewhere in between all of the talking, a great idea popped into alli's head. "Let's PAINT Spoli's nails. My left hand is PINK, and my right hand is a light purple lol...We talked about some odd topics and it turns out that Alli and I are Virgin Buddies! Basically, it was Girls night out with a little hint of Spoli.

Like I said in an earlier post "I hope the more I get to know them, the nicer they get." And after tonight, I don't think they can possibly get any more nicer and any more realer. They are true friends to me. They kept their promise to me, and they didn't bail out at the last minute like some assholes do. I have nothing but respect for these two individuals, and because of tonight I love them so much more then I did this morning.

I know I give this link out to everyone, so I expect Laur and Alli to read it. I just wanted to thank you. I've known you two for a short time, but over the short period of time, you two have shown me what a true friend is all about. You've shown me that, and how black girls shake their asses...

Little girl with a Big `ol Booty!!!!

Lot's of love to everyone I care about, if you know it's you...then I mean YOU!

<3 always

Spoli

P.S Did I say I'm sorry for not saying bye :-(....Looking forward to the mall tomorrow?!?!?!?

I forgot about saturday....

2003-03-30T16:51:13Z

Today is sunday, but I'll go back to saturday.

Saturday, I had Early Temple Services, for the bar mitzvah of a family friend. It wasn't as bad as the ones I used to see. There was music and stuff, it was okay I guess. They began to speak of " Oh lord our eternal god," and I really began to realize that Judaism is not for me. I don't believe God is the ruler of the entire world or what not, I have my own views of god and there is no religion out there that can explain my feelings. So for now, I'll call it "Spolism." LoL. After services we went to their house for some lunch. It wasn't that bad. I met some girl named Arielle (I think thats spelled wrong) who is on the Krop debate team and my parents are close friends with her family. She is one fine looking girl. :-P I guess she's pretty cool, although I don't really know her. I played basketball during the time at their house and although it was only for like 20 minutes...I have never sweat that much. It was 90 degrees and like 75% humidity.

After that, we went to my aunts brand new condo over looking the beach and intercoastal. It's pretty nice and I have no complaints except they need to furnish it. It has some of the nices views someone could ask for. We had some coffee and cookies and talked for a little over an hour and a half. Then because I wanted to get home in order to keep my plans we left. Now we decided to go visit my grandparents. That was actually pretty fun. For those of you who don't know, my grandpa has not been too well because of 24 years of parkinsons and recent heart problems. He used to spend a lot of time in the hospital, but now he seems to be MUCH better and for that I am thankful. My grandma lost 17 lb's and you can def. notice. I'm glad all is well as of now. It's always nice to see them because they put a smile on my face.

We left their house around 5:30 maybe, I don't remember. We got home at I don't remember lol...All I know is that I Was supposed to go out with Shulak and the two ladies (Electa and Jessica) from Friday night. I call shulak and it turns out that there is no room in the car for me because he decided to pick up Kyle and Doug...He fucking pisses me off. Not just him but the assholes in this world who do gay ass shit like that. I don't know the word gay but you know what...Only way to explain the way he acts.

Maybe he's not so much a true friend as I believed.

I ended up hanging out with Jeff, Kyle P., Taylor, Jason W, Steven B, and his GF at Steven's house. We brought some alcohol and jeff got wasted. I took the keys away from him and I was designated driver for that night. We ended up having a lot of fun, and I ended up having some good sober fun as well. Being DD is pretty fucking cool. Especially when you hit turns going 35 MPH !!! Ahaha. I ran like 10 stopsigns and I went the speed limit. Thankfully, I didn't crash. Oh I forgot to include the fact that on the way of from my grandparents house, I conviced my parents to let me stay out until 12:00 instead of 11:30 which is a lot better for me.

Also, How could I forget the part where we stopped at Allison's casa and she came to chit chat with us. She's a great great person, and everything about her is great. It was funny, she comes out and I'm driving...thats kinda funny, shes like WHY ARE YOU DRIVING. I told her Jeff was shitfaced and it was all good lol..

Now it is Sunday, and I have a bar mitzvah lunch in to get to. I'm gonna drink if I can, and hook up with the 12 and 13 year old girls...Haha. I'm a scumbag.

Tonight I have plans to go out with Alli and Lauren, some of the bestest people EVER.

Until Then my friends.

<3 Always
~Spoli

My Friday Night haha

2003-03-29T05:02:01Z

Well, this is it, my first post for friday...And one packed night might I add. I played football after school with the "Big Boys" who fucking tore shit up, I got tired and yelled at, and I had a blast with or without the yelling. I worked out muscles I never even knew I had lol. After football for like 2 hours...I got home showered and got ready to go out with shulak which ended up being really fun and shit.

We went to walgreens got alcohol and shit and then went to pick up Electa and Jessica...Electa looked cute as shit and Jessica looked good as usual...You know how it is. We went to some kids house thinking there was a party but there wasn't a party so I ended up calling the cops and getting that shit broken up.. I know it was the asshole thing to do, but no one, and I mean NOONE says "No" to Spoli..That simple.. Fuck with me, I call the cops and make shit up. We ended up going to Justin apples and taking some shots then we went to the lakeview park and made some new friends.

There was this lady looking for her dog and the drunk fucks (including me) started yelling and shit. We left that place and went to Taco Bell..I had like 660 Quesadillas. During the night I was looking at Jessica and ya know how I said I fall and get oer girls easily...once again it happened tonight. I think shes fucking great, no doubt about it. She seems to have her mind set on partying and shit and she's a really fun girl to hang out with. Once again a case of fall and run...It always happens. I can't seem to find the right girl..Or maybe I have found the right girl, but we're puttin a relationship off.

Who knows, I don't want a relationship necessarily...I just want to have someone who I can have fun with (and I don't mean hooking up with or anything. I literally mean have fun). I guess I can do that without have a GF or w/e with no strings attached, but It would be cool to have someone there...So many girls who I feel are good enough and I can fall for, but ya know...no one who I would really have a chance with..My life is practically a dream...All the girls I really do like in some way...I have no chance, I don't know why and frankly I don't give a shit.

I love my life how it is no doubt, but it would be fun with someone to spend those fun moments with. Tonight I drank 3/4 a bottle of Bicardi Limon..I shared, but I drank at 8 and I'm still pretty drunk. I did have fun, but I know I could of had a better time. I rather not explain how, but just remember I could have.

I'm home now, my parents are watching a movie so I'm "Safe," and then soon enough I'm gonna go sleep. I don't really know who I like if you want the truth. To many really good girls in this world. Ever since I opened my eyes, so many great people have become friendly with me, and I don't wnat to lose them.. There is this one girl in specific who I care for deeply, but i don't think anyone will ever know. They may know who, but I will never say...

I'm drunk and kinda ticked off. I wish I could have actually spent more time with Jessica, she really did seem like a GREAT girl, but ya know, shit doesn't always work out the way its supposed to. Always have lived my life like that, and always will live my life like that. Lots of love to my friends ( you know who you are) and you know I respect you all. I'm going to head off to bed, just to lie down...I'll be wishing and shit, but wishing isn't a good way to achieive a goal.

"When you think you have something good with someone, shit just turns around and takes a huge chunk out of your ass." ~Mike Spoli

<3 Love always though and respect to many

~Spoli

NFG Woot

2003-03-27T22:49:54Z

School was good, but who cares LoL. I got ALOT accomplished in Debate. I finished my Class Officer Form thingy, and I finished my National Honor Society Application, I hope I get in. That was the best part of my day (except for seeing Alli and Lauren). I got home, but I had to wait like 15 min for my ride, ugh. So anyway, I got the mail and I was like hey I'm gonna go run. Did some phone talking with Alli, to make sure she didn't care that I wasn't going to run with her, and then I ran to the Verizon Wireless store with my phone (1.5ish miles). I got my antenna fixed and I met my mom there. The whole run it was raining and I kinda liked it. It was a good sad mood setting rain. So my mommy met me there and we went home. I got in and talked to Alli, because we can sit on the phone and talk about how many fingers we have on our hands and actually hold a 15 minute convo on that LoL. I told Yael (through a txt message) that I had sex with a Freshman...Umm yea let's leave that alone..Next subject. I GOT MY NFG TICKETS WOOOO HOOO. I needa collect the cash from my friends so my mom doesn't bitch :-\ Anywho...Just talking with my friends online and on the phone, I'm going to do HW but no tests are near so F* That. I'm trying to clean my act up. I don't plan on doing bad stuff this weekend, I'm trying to stay away from pot and alcohol...so thats good. I'm waiting for my warped tour tickets next!! Excitement fills the room. The crowd goes wild. Spoli wakes up..Ahaha.

<3 you all
~Spoli

I had a nice nap

2003-03-26T22:10:57Z

So, I woke up like at 4:45, after my nice close to 2 hour nap. Courtney called me and was all like bla bla your going to get hurt again becuase of something i put about yael on my profile...She didn't even fucking understand it. It's all a bunch of inside jokes and her ignorance pissed me the fuck off. If you don't knwo the whole truth don't try to play fucking Mr. or Mrs. Fixit. Just stay the fuck out of someones personal life unless the call you and specifically ask you for help. You don't stop loving one individual, especially when you are really close with them, all of you need to know that. I just took a shower and I feel very refreshed. I'm waiting for josh to call me to see waht time we're going, but I also don't know what to wear. After all it is tennis, and I've never been to a tennis match in my life. I hope I have a blast!

Thats it for now, I told Allison what I needed to. I haven't talked to Lauren except online. I told Yael I'd call her later (because I was going to sleep when she called.) and I'm going to call allison later...All girl friends, except for ma homie J. Blum. Rather have girl friend's because usually they aren't assholes. Guys have ugly habits, but not all of my friends have them.